COME ON!
i've had enough problems already,
yet still some of you decided to add on more to it.
where's ur fucken initiative?
wheres's your fucken love for the crew?

this keeps coming up over and over and over again,
everytime any of us try to help it, it gets worst!

whats the use of trying to sit yall down and try to solve and let things go ur way for once,
and ended up you guys giving back the same shit?

don't just keep complaining, DO SOMETHING!

and when i try to help, the least you can do is appreciate!
not going against the own words that you suggested.

if you think of this to bring the crew down,
i wont back off, i will NEVER.
i know many of us already give up trying to help,
BUT I WONT STOP, AND I CANT STOP!
its like a part of me,
and it needs attention.
the rest of can give up too,
but mind you, I WONT GIVE UP.

AND THOSE WHO THINK WE ARE SOME FORM OF SHIT,
WE'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.
Hopefully it will come in soon,
prolly Funkamania.

you watch out.

and say if the seniors are still here,
at least they can prevent this from happening.
but where the heck are you guys?

Labels: when the things you depended most upon isnt there anymore.

its the 23rd again.
but compared to other 23rds,
23rd nov came in quick...
wonder why.

am currently coping well with whatever that's happening right now.
alhamdullilah.
spent whole day at home with grandma yesterday.
yes i know me being at home on saturdays is not a norm, but heck.
i love my grandma.

currently at home with dad,
grandma went to shop for groceries with my uncle and aunt, Wak Man and Mummy.

i call this aunt mummy coz she's like my mum,
take care of me, treat me and sis good,
i called her mummy since like i was 4-5 yrs old?

im goina have a packed week ahead preparing for danzation, closing bash.
ouh did i told you i was being nominated for the recipient for flame awards.
its basically an awards ceremony to recognise those who have done much contribution and to the upbringing of the Interest Group, in this case my crew.
the recipients are Yan (president), Colin (events mgr), Asraf (Jr mgr)

another "thank god" moment.

alright gg head downstairs, "mummy" called to take the stuffs from the car downstairs.
PEACE!

Labels: the girl in the white dress at cafe esplanade...

rolling from left to right,
again and again.
cant seem to get my mind right,
cos the heart is in pain.

why does the heart feel this way,
is it because of what's happening?
or is it just me,
that is keeping the brain straining?

been a tiring friday,
and im worned out.
my closed eyelids just wouldnt stay,
coz things has been going in my mind and out.

its all due to my selfishness that its happening,
not thinking nor appreciating other's deeds.
for its all has been shitting,
on me hard at once with one big hit.

-----------------------------------------------

on wednesday night,
while on the way home, the muse's adrenaline is still rushing.
but it all crumbles and fall once i stepped into the house.
my uncle waited two days and stayed over to talk to me.

we talked, for mere 2 hours from 12 am to 2 am.
mind you, this uncle isnt any ordinary friendly uncle.
i believe he's an OG (original gangster) and as far as i've known,
he wouldnt think twice about laying his hands on anyone.

but i was surprised at the way he talked to me,
its like he's a friend, a brother.
we talked like how he always talk, like how i used to talk years ago.
gangster's slang.

but thats nt the point.

he asked me many things;
why i didnt go skool for a period of time,
why i didnt contact anyone when i never go home,
why i always reach home at arnd 1, 2 am,
why i always let my grandma do the housework when she's old and frail,
why i let her be sick because of me.

theres a lot more.
but theres one in particular.

he asked whether why im doing all that because i dun feel cared for or loved for.
i boldly answered YES.

well its the fact!
since when did anyone ever cared about me?
since when did anyone nowadays even my sister asked about how im doing or hows my day going along?
and since when did anyone ever bothered about where i go or whom i go with?
and even got "what you want?" straight when i called my sister otp?

but he told im wrong,
he explained about my grandma letting me stay with her,
how disappointed my grandma was when she found out i didnt go skool for some period of time.
how my father wanted to get close to his children despite his condition.

and i realised that some of my uncles and aunties blamed me for my late grandfather's death.
neednt elaborate more.

---------------------------------------------------------------

and now i have to take care of a lot of things.
my one and only grandma is sickly because of me,
my dad has nobody to look after or nobody to remind him to take his medications.
and my sister being in her condition right now.
mum is struggling with her family and bloody stepfather aint doing anything to help.
how to deal with the only thing that makes me happy the most-dancing.

and after giving much thought to my problems im facing,
i realised that it has all be related to me dancing.
needless to say of me goin home late, tired and sweaty.
me just throwing the used shirts into the wash machine for my grandma to wash.
and with me goin home late at night and waking up early in the morning or late afternoons.
seldom talking or checking on my grandma.
and me not goin home prolly coz of tiredness of dancing and pure laziness to go home.
im not blaming on any party, im just explaning my faults and flaws.

for now i only see two paths leading ahead.

1st, a path where i have to realli put aside or dump my dancing hobby so that i can take better care of the ones i love. and to have a better future where i can have better life ahead.
but the hitback will be that, it will be a selfish desicion for me to do that.
what will become of the people around me if i chose to take this path?
what will be of my loved crew whom my love for them is... unexplainable?
what will become of my most deared juniors whom im being looked up upon and being set as a role model?

2nd, a path that says heck care about them problems and just do what i like to do and enjoy the most, but still coming to school.
but will spend less time with my sick grandma/dad/sister?

now now, dun bother about me, but i just wana make sure that my desicions, the outcome wouldnt be a regrettable one and it would affect anybody in a bad way.

so much to please everyone aye?

brother oneski explained,
you just gotta chill bro,
no use being angry at them blaming you for shit.
you just do what you have to do to 1st.
dancing be it bboying or just dance can wait.
just let the hunger for dance come over you.
then when one day you finally get the chance,
i believe you will be at your best that day,
practise and all is not really needed,
if you are really hungry for it,
it will come to you naturally and one day you'll just explode!

inspiring words given by the brother whom always understands his friends' problems.

enough said.

i feel better after letting it out here...
thank you for reading this long post.


ps- i dun tink everyone is judgemental. it totally depends.

Labels: even if you know of my problems, i dun tink anyone wld undrstd 'em...

awoke by the sound of aunts gossiping, the smell of uncles smoking,
i decided to indulge myself with the beautiful sounds of my mp3.
currently hooked to the song You got me - The Roots.
an old school hiphop song, quite relaxed.

sunday morning rain is falling,
the lyrics of the song opened by bestie worm otw back from clarke quay.
it suits everything, the mood everyone's in - sleepy.
slow song, yet fitting everyone ears needs.

and seems like being home on a sunday seems so perfect
as it is the only day i get to rest before going all out next week.

Muse is up next wednesday,
i hope i'll do well and not drag everyone else down.
hopefully after that, my schedules will be eased up as i can prepare for other impt stuffs,
battles, cyphers, life, studies.
after muse, next up is Danzation.
an invitation by ngee ann poly's NRA

i've decided i would assess to every problem proper and try to solve it,
so far schoolng issues have been solved,
with me coming school early almost every day of last week.
others are yet to be assessed to.

so that i can move on slowly.

Wak Man talked to me earlier,
says he understood wad im goin thru.
knowing life is hard for me currently,
dad doesnt want to work, sister being dangerously ill,
grandmother being all alone every day at home.
yes my body may be at skool or dance studio,
but my mind is still stucked back at home,
reasons why sometimes im deep in my thinking.

i guess i shall keep myself occupied for the moment.

Labels: popeye the sailorman toot toot...

its been a while since i last blogged,
apologies for im real busy with dance and stuffs.
apologies to RSC for being MIA due to my dance,
Apologies to my Bukit Panjang homies for not coming down chilling with yall,
apologies to everyone.

the previous week was a wreck for me.
probably one of the worst week i've ever had.

Tuesday;
supposed to be reporting for Reflections opening practise at 9,
but woke up at arnd 9.30 and came to studio at 10.30, knowing i have to do a lot of catching up.

practised at e4,
went back to studio for larry's class.
but was disappointed + pissed coz got knocked out in the 1st round during the Battle larry conducted.
his reason? didnt see what happened when the opposing team crash (-_-")
and i only replied enough for a reply. ouh well, it aint the 1st time im getting like that,
its already the 6-7th time i never get fully involved in a battle, its either im not allowed, or somehow never manage to got thru due to poor judge's skills.
another disapointment.

when studio closing time, i realised i misplaced my hp somewhere and well, you guessed it, i lost it.
sheeshh..

Wednesday;
slept over at thumb's house hoping to be early for the opening practice, but ended up waking up at 12!
went hard for practise, with mood swings in my head.
asked around the Fusion dancers to ask them about any updates,
only to find out i was being kicked out.
well thats fine for me, but thing is, i was being told only when i asked,
what if i nvr asked and still came the next day?
wonderful crewmates aye?

if thats not enough already, i basically got lecturing and Screwing from my advisor, Zaini.
many things he said was like quite ridiculous.
one in particular,
Zaini : do you smoke?
me : yea la, why? ( in a somehow pissed manner)
Zaini : no i just wana know how you all operate.

WTH?
wad does he meant by "operate"?

rahh.

Thursday :
me, yan, ragu, hakim, joann, jason slept over at thumb's house.
next day, we were late for like 1 minute coz obviously we can see the clock the moment we enter e4.
what happens next realli sparked me off.
it goes a lil smth like this
me : eh macaroni ah? sikit?
...: eh you go do ten push up 1st then wait 4 mins there 1st.

what kinda attitude is that?
certainly that sentence can be rephrase so it applies well to both parties.
as i've told many of you, i dun like being ordered to do things.

and basically stoned my way through the day.

Friday:
from 9 am in the morning, my grandma was nagging at me for my skool and stuffs,
i dun like to be disturbed when i sleep!
argued with her for like 3hours + then called to say i was late.
took cab to skool so that i dun miss out much during practise, tearing my eyes out otw there and at e4 itself.
felt so ashamed of myself.

helluva week aint it.

i just hope this week turn out to be better.

i've been dreaming about this one particular thing,
and i couldnt remember until few days ago,
i've been dreaming that i was walking up a hill, high one.
and i was carrying a heavy bag behind me.
but each step i take,
was heavy, was like it doesnt want to move,
like im being pulled back.

this dream, is true...

and i believe theres a meaning to it, in fact alot of meanings.

and i think that of which is that,
all these things that im handling, my problems, my thoughts
and everything that's pulling me back,
prevents me from moving forward.
prevents me from going to the top.

i dun needa be true to u guys, but im being true to myself,
i think god is showing me the path true this hardships.

i think its either i leave the burdens or try to ease them so that i can move on proper.

i thank god for showing me the path that leads to a better life.

i love my Sister, SGC, and my bestfriend Samantha.

i miss RSC.

Labels: Ash Fresh Ash Possible