what are you willing to sacrifice for love?
trying every possible ways and still not giving up.
gets harder each time to get up after a fall don't it?
so what then? when you are in that moment, face to face with love itself?
you see after undergoing countless "tries"(if there's more polite ways of putting it), one tends to get tired or immune to the "new" experiences. even so, one will surely change all that, or so they say. now who would guess that Mind Your Language, my midnight humor tv show during my pre-teens, could remind you that, "better to have Loved and Lost; than to have not Loved at all". agreed.
since 5 years ago, i've been working hard to keep a balanced lifestyle as inspirated from Teknyc SKMZ during an online chat quite some time ago. the journey, which starts with learning life thru passing from one home to another after countless getting kicked out, to be living on scraps of food left by others, exploring Art through movements of body, better put, Dancing. explored every genre, and that includes modern dance or also known as Contemporary dancing. yet i feel much belonged to the floor as it calls upon me every time that sweet beat. there we found SGC. and then from there, CA introduced me into RSC, the brothers i wish i had known them since little. Got back home on the eve night of Hari Raya 2010. from there, everything sorta got serious(i have no idea how) and jelly called me out on RF, i can clearly remember that call tho. and so there on it sorta spiralled upwards and everything was as living the dream, hotels, suites, entry into members clubs, champagnes, so basically as they would put it "Living the Life". thats basically all im able to state.
The source of a great many mental illness is fear.
fear of rejection, fear of hurt, fear of heights, fear of IMBALANCE.
all my life, i've been working on a balanced life, everything from family time, friends, 3 crews and Dance. and i've got no complains thus far with regards to it. i think i'm doing a great job because i did went all out when it comes the time for every thing.
but thats not why im writing here.
if you see properly, i didnt put Love as a part of a balanced lifestyle, that'll be contradicting coz after what i stated in the first paragraph, i've also been working on my love life too yknoww.
i got so cold towards love that it affects the Ladies i've been with, or dated or am goin to be with or dating. i guess i got too scared of losing balance of life cos its been too long that i've worked hard towards getting a balanced life that Love is what i perceived to be something that will keep me off balance. but after what Ketut from Eat, Pray, Love said “To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced
life." it striked to me that all these while, its the fear that holds me back.
a fear of a new environment.
a fear of a quiet time (thats why im always out trying to occupy myself)
a fear of being responsible for the other
and i always make it seem as if the other party has to work hard to get me as though im the prize.
i guess what Que said is right all along
"i will never figure you out Ash. Never"
oh what have i done.
and im saying this with a heavy heave of heart, I Am Ready.
for anything, anyone, or everyone.
i gotta be realistic, be true. goina start shining and stop hiding.
Peace & Love,
Ashraf
