heavy heave of heart

what are you willing to sacrifice for love? trying every possible ways and still not giving up. gets harder each time to get up after a fall don't it? so what then? when you are in that moment, face to face with love itself? you see after undergoing countless "tries"(if there's more polite ways of putting it), one tends to get tired or immune to the "new" experiences. even so, one will surely change all that, or so they say. now who would guess that Mind Your Language, my midnight humor tv show during my pre-teens, could remind you that, "better to have Loved and Lost; than to have not Loved at all". agreed.

since 5 years ago, i've been working hard to keep a balanced lifestyle as inspirated from Teknyc SKMZ during an online chat quite some time ago. the journey, which starts with learning life thru passing from one home to another after countless getting kicked out, to be living on scraps of food left by others, exploring Art through movements of body, better put, Dancing. explored every genre, and that includes modern dance or also known as Contemporary dancing. yet i feel much belonged to the floor as it calls upon me every time that sweet beat. there we found SGC. and then from there, CA introduced me into RSC, the brothers i wish i had known them since little. Got back home on the eve night of Hari Raya 2010. from there, everything sorta got serious(i have no idea how) and jelly called me out on RF, i can clearly remember that call tho. and so there on it sorta spiralled upwards and everything was as living the dream, hotels, suites, entry into members clubs, champagnes, so basically as they would put it "Living the Life". thats basically all im able to state.

The source of a great many mental illness is fear. fear of rejection, fear of hurt, fear of heights, fear of IMBALANCE. all my life, i've been working on a balanced life, everything from family time, friends, 3 crews and Dance. and i've got no complains thus far with regards to it. i think i'm doing a great job because i did went all out when it comes the time for every thing.

but thats not why im writing here. if you see properly, i didnt put Love as a part of a balanced lifestyle, that'll be contradicting coz after what i stated in the first paragraph, i've also been working on my love life too yknoww. i got so cold towards love that it affects the Ladies i've been with, or dated or am goin to be with or dating. i guess i got too scared of losing balance of life cos its been too long that i've worked hard towards getting a balanced life that Love is what i perceived to be something that will keep me off balance. but after what Ketut from Eat, Pray, Love said “To lose balance sometimes for love is part of living a balanced life." it striked to me that all these while, its the fear that holds me back. a fear of a new environment. a fear of a quiet time (thats why im always out trying to occupy myself) a fear of being responsible for the other and i always make it seem as if the other party has to work hard to get me as though im the prize.

i guess what Que said is right all along "i will never figure you out Ash. Never"

oh what have i done.

and im saying this with a heavy heave of heart, I Am Ready. for anything, anyone, or everyone.

i gotta be realistic, be true. goina start shining and stop hiding.

Peace & Love, Ashraf

if you leave

Just like a star across my sky,
Just like an angel off the page,
You have appeared to my life,
Feel like I'll never be the same.

Lyrics to the song played to our first sunset,
When you decided to open what was said to have closed.
And just like a star, you're not within reach, a glimmer of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel, decorating/illuminating my dark scary nights.
And what you see as a star now, it might have died thousands of years ago until it reaches your eyesight. Gone before you arrive.

But if you believe, you'll do best without me.
I'll let it go girl, its over.
But I have no doubt, we could work it out.
And if you really leave, then baby I'll leave.
I'll let you go girl, you deserve better

And if you leave, you're goina miss me.
And I'm not saying, that I'll be here waiting
But I still believe, we could work it out.

I guess I see you next lifetime.

SGC freshies 5th gen :(

everyone else before YOU, put their sweat, put in money for the drinks they shared, risks school grades, getting bruises and injuries for SGC's performance or Competition, some getting kicked outta school for that, most risks getting scold by parents, some fight with parents so that we're not in the wrong, most sacrifice more time on us rather than our own families just so that they wont miss out a practise for a show or competition representing SGC, getting pesters by the higher management, all endured all these hardships and for what?
just so that you guys can have the space to sit and relax around the studio or to play games or PDA or for yall to enjoy these necessities without putting in your own efforts?
think again. would it do justice to them?
yes i agree with candy im selfish, cos im protecting all these people's effort so that they wont go to waste and for yall ungrateful asses to still enjoy dancing in the years to come
i dont think im aware of how is "my way of doing things" but i sure do know how to give credits when due, and to appreciate others for what they've laid out for you to feast your hunger on.
what's your selfishness about?

Labels: generations

beyond the brink.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile.

Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

Bob Marley



ps- girls can sometimes be fucken worse that what we gentlemen will do.
and you did things, dont act like nothing happen.